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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Xbox 360: A Something Awful FIRST Exclusive!

Xbox 360: A Something Awful FIRST Exclusive!

"One year it was Tickle Me Elmo. Another year it was Beanie Babies. During yet another year it was the long-anticipated Doom House DVD now on sale from Awful Video. In fact Doom House was in such high demand that the United States Postal Service was so overwhelmed with shipments they decided to only deliver it to one person and chuck the rest in a dumpster somewhere. It seems that every year there is a hot toy that people just can't live without.

This year it's the Microsoft Xbox 360. You may have heard rumors about how hard it is to get your hands on one of these things. Let me tell you folks, everything you heard is true. There is an age old question that man often asks, "Could God create a consumer electronics product so in demand that not even he could buy it?" The answer is yes and that product is the Xbox 360. Trying to find the new Xbox has become a 24 hour a day job. Hopeful customers must stalk Internet forums, constantly call retailers, and perform complex differential equations to figure out who has units in stock.

In order to control crowds and keep order most retailers have enacted special procedures for buying an Xbox 360. The first thing you have to do is file an intent to purchase application with the state you are going to buy the console in. This takes 5-7 days and is generally trouble free. On the day of the sale you must drive to the store seven hours before opening just to get on a waiting list. Some parents have put their newborn children on waiting lists so that some day they may own an Xbox 360.

The best place to find a 360 is Best Buy. Apparently their policy of not letting you leave their stores until you have been offered a warranty on the package of batteries you just bought has impressed Microsoft so much that they are practically the only retailer being shipped units. On the day we bought our review unit there were one hundred people in line for only two systems. Despite being 85th in line, we had a Louisville Slugger.

Once inside they made us go through the line of accessory and warranty horror. There we were bombarded with high pressure warranty pitches. One associate told me that he could look into my soul and tell me my destiny. Apparently my destiny is a 2 year extended warranty and a blowjob administered from the Geek Squad should my Xbox 360 malfunction, no questions asked. From there we entered the gauntlet of pain where Best Buy associates paddled our asses while we grabbed for games and accessories. By the end of the line my ass was a healthy cherry red.

Then, the final step! We finally handed around 400 dollars in cash and purchased an Xbox 360. Unfortunately we couldn't afford a game because my buddy Jerry is the biggest fuckup on the planet. More on that later. On the way back to the truck we ended up getting mugged by those in the line who came too late to get an Xbox 360. Luckily Best Buy had another line set up for mugging victims to pre-order a system for the next shipment twenty years from now.

Six weeks later we struck gold. We finally got our Xbox 360 and the first thing we did was take it home and rip it open to show you it's shiny innards. The sight of electronic circuitry and wires just turns us on so much. Plus we look pretty bad ass opening up a brand new console system and showing our readers the inside. I mean, we can actually point out to you where the CPU and the graphics chip is. Can IGN give you that? No. Can AnandTech give you that? Well yes, but we delve even deeper into the hardware. We're going to break the 360's hymen like horseback riding. And then when the Xbox 360 explains to her first boyfriend why she doesn't have a hymen but that she's still a virgin he'll wonder until the day he dies if she really told him the truth..." [more]

Anonymous Anonymous
On the way back D3 Goldto the truck we ended up getting mugged by those in the line who came too late to get an Xbox 360. Luckily Best Buy had another line set up for mugging victims to pre-order a system for the nextGuild Wars 2 Gold shipment twenty years from now.  

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